Directed by Swamini

Caption: When I see me in you (27 December 2023)

My journey of self-exploration began when I encountered vulnerability in me. I had two choices either fit into something structured by changing myself accordingly or go on a trip for self-acceptance.

I did what was believable at that time – fit into the existing environment. The environment had people with different mindsets, situations with priorities, and hidden guidelines of what is acceptable and what is not. Guess what it did not suit me. My anxiety, unhappiness, and my disappointments grew bigger and bigger. I could still play a survival game by risking all the good I had just to get fit into something where I did not belong. I could only see my drawings and paintings comforting me, letting me have my self-worth.

By ambitious means, By hunger for fame means, and even By holding on dissociative attitude means I kept on drawing and painting for years without gaining any penny but they truly helped me to keep faith in myself even though they showed my vulnerabilities to me.

And that’s what makes me realize how powerful art can be in anyone’s life. Now I want to go on and see if I can help another person through art.

Drawing caption: The Gold Shit! (14 January 2023)

Today, after so many long days of self-exploration and self-building I could finally come to my authentic drawing style. The careless and brave. This is my shit. This made me grow through whatever life I have been through. This style makes me grounded. With this, I don’t care who appreciates me.

This is me, baby! Doing a bunch of illogical, unstructured random shitty lines. Fearless of peoples’ opinions and most importantly not even burdened by cravings for “acceptance”.

This is me. I want to be like this. Today I dug the gold.

Caption: My own parade (12 January 2023)

Can you feel the heat of joy from the above drawing? I don’t wanna predict what you think about it. I feel enthusiasm when I did all the arrangements for this parade (here I mean while drawing “My own parade”). It was actually the sense of building each and every part of it the wheels, the stones, the crazy long neck with criss-cross ladders, etc.

Where do we get some whole parade arranged for ourselves? Maybe with Sovereignty in our art, we get to be infinite too…

Drawing Caption: The house & tiger around – The comedy (2nd January 2023)

Authenticity is the key to building our own artistic style. So the core question is how to be authentic while creating art.

Step 1: Think about yourself. Know yourself. Ask yourself What are the things you like to make?

Step 2: Write it down without judgments. Write your thoughts every day.

Step 3: Accept yourself without judgment. Take your time. Remember for the unique style you have to be you.

Step 4: Create art while being yourself.

I wish it can be simple to follow these steps because these can be ego-breaking, reality-checking, destroying the current self, and rebuilding new thoughts.

The remedies I tried to make these steps a bit easier are to READ, READ and READ.

Reading will shake you and your perspectives. It will make you question yourself. That’s how you would have your unique artistic style which will grow and get better at authenticity.

Drawing caption: Lost in dreams. (29 December 2022)

Honestly, I wanted to be part of the art world so badly. I had a craze for something attached to it. I was not even aware of what exactly it was. I really wanted to be on my own terms. I just wanted to create something that let me be myself. Something which allows me to do my random shit. Now when I am writing this I feel like asking “was it all about a coping mechanism?”

And that’s what we do first thing when we decide to go on our own. We doubt and doubt and doubt.

I have read Crushing it! book by Gary Vaynerchuk and How to be creative by Hough Macleod these all can be good guides to being a creative person with sanity.

This new year I took a step forward toward my dream to create my own brand… And it’s done. I have my brand-new brand called “Directed by Swamini”

Drawing Caption: Dead old fish served on a plate. (January 2023)

Today I am learning SEO (Search engine optimization – Wikipedia) to spread my words to creative people. I found it difficult because of mostly self-doubt and boxed thinking.

As an artist, I have encountered some mind-blocking thoughts while learning SEO. I am sharing those thoughts in a learned SEO format.

Artist Difficulty No.1: Having Greedy Thoughts

I have gone through some imaginary success pictures while learning SEO and those are like I should write something which can attract(SEO-friendly) people, If I write something amazing people will rush to my blog and SEO will work like magic.

But these thoughts were exhausting, unrealistic and mainly greedy. I felt disconnected from my content because I want to write my story. I think the problem here is I have decided to keep my writing unthemed or unstructured or unplanned or without a strategy and I believe to be able to do good SEO my current format won’t work.

Now I am trying to ignore all these self-sabotaging thoughts.

Artist Difficulty No.2: Feeling no need for SEO

Some thoughts came out of pride. Pride of creative person.

I don’t want to force people to come and see my art or read the content. Why can’t people find my blogs by themselves? If something is good will always shine anyhow.

But actually, I have started this blog to encourage people to be creative or find their own voice through art. I think I should let my creativity fly around.

Artist Difficulty No.3: How to compete?

If I think clearly now, after writing the two difficulties above, this seems the most real difficulty I found while learning SEO. How to compete when you don’t understand what you are worth in comparison to others? I think my drawings are the most precious ones to me but I have newly started writing and I am not sure how strong it is.

Maybe I don’t need to compete.

And I would like to learn a new skill called SEO to do my part in reaching out to people without the expectations of the outcome.

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन्। मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते संगोस्त्वकर्मणि।।(You have the right to action only, never to fruits.)

And I believe in this thought because I remind myself of Hugh Macleod’s quotes who kept on blogging for years with sovereignty. He has written a really good book How To Be Creative.

Bonus Difficulty: One may find it difficult to express when newly introduced to SEO rules

For an expressive artist to structure his art into something like “rules” or some “word counts” can be very daunting and irritating. Yes, that’s what I feel while learning SEO rules.

In the conclusion, I would like to write, an artist or maybe even any other person who wants to create their own creative authentic world or build their own creative space or build their own artistic brand or anything else as their own entity should build their “own” on the basis of the existing system – on the real ground with real people. and I think learning SEO can let me into the existing system.

That needs a hell lot of adjusting if I express it in good terms the word can be “Balancing”. And you have to go through hell or these difficulties for your belief in your “own” creativity, “own” art, and “own” passion.

It is better to fail than never try.

Caption: Designing my life (January 2023)

Currently, I am exploring myself and relying financially on my supportive family and friends who bring web and graphic design projects. I am privileged to have no one financially dependent on me for the current and coming years.

Sometimes I feel low for living like this but I believe this is making me more known of myself and my needs. Which can help me to build an honest life.

Caption: It’s you and me chilling around in our world kind of feeling. (January 2023)

Today I realized how badly my health was ignored. It could have been a better year if I could have kept checking on my health as I have been well aware of the body and the mind are interdependent entities.

Basically, it’s been more than five months since I started journalling my thoughts. In the beginning, it was a much-needed solution for chains of anxious thoughts till the anxiety goes away with a prominent solution or answer.

Now when I try to look back at my anxious difficult times, it was not only my mind who was suffering but also my body lacking in producing positive energy.

For an artist who wants to discover himself, his mind is like an inseparable individual. We ask our mind why are we like this, why do I feel like this, why am I holding on to a sad feeling in the middle of a fun water park? Why things are different for me and I am sure many more whys. And we surely get answers but when you are not self-aware there is no machine to check whether these answers come from a mind at its best capacity or a mind with deemed energy. Because our artistic mind can believe in any theme which catches its interest. And we forget the theme can also be generated by energy produced by the prolonged state of the body which might be suffering.

For example, if you have been navigating through sad feelings for years those are the feelings that will comfort you most and make you question most but sometimes these feelings can be generated through an unhealed body. But an artist who wants to discover himself will rarely question the state of the body till it gets disturbed or altered. Being aware of our mind and body can help to bring mindfulness into an artist’s life to hold on to consistency in his work (an artistic work that can be done with or without mindfulness).

I request all my artist friends to also start listening to your body along with your mind. I think The body is more clever than the mind. Let our minds work on all human feelings purely at full efficiency with the healthiest body. So we could heal others with our creations and leadership.

Caption:  Home to my wild energy (January 2023)

Today I encountered one more core belief I have been holding for nearly three decades old life. I always wanted to work for myself. Almost like working on my own projects. Do something to prove myself to “The world”. Now that I have tried various things like living like an artist, learning realistic drawing skills, being an ambitious freelancer, studying a UIUX course from google, and working on full-length stories, I forgot going to the job every day was a bit easier way to keep consistency in the work for myself plan.

The regular job system used to work for me to keep me in a routine, to have a secure mindset with setbacks, and to have the financial freedom to buy things.

But the system won’t help you to be different if that’s what you want to be. You have to learn to be an authentic soul to be different while living in a system.

Caption: Sundae Moments With Friends (January 2023)

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

― Andy Bernard (from “The Office” My favorite series)

This quote is a feeling. I literally feel it.

Drawing caption: Free soul in a garden

I drew this drawing while traveling in Mumbai local. I am wondering about quite a long time around my drawing style. Why it has to be so raw? Why it does not fit into commercial standards. I have applied very deep theories to find out answers to questions. Now I just think I draw because I like it. I like to escape into another reality, another world. Where nothing is perfect and that’s how everything turns out perfect. I love to be fearless and non-judgemental.

In this drawing, we have a river with an abundance of water. There are lots of green bushes enjoying their existence. A swing tied to a branch of a tree holding an open invitation for happiness. Kids are the only soul who could understand the spotless beauty of this experience. They feel their heart with bundles of joy… Adults are busy watching dark spots.

Drawing caption: Limited life with limited things

Certainly, you wonder all around you. In your days and nights, you keep on thinking something is missing. You try hard and harder to keep up with life. Everything looks normal from a distance. But you agitate, you stop living, you stop picking and you move with autopilot. You know you want to be something else but there are too many things around you that do not lead to that something else. You want to protest.

It seems easy in movies some fellow knows his thing. He has to just choose it. What seems easy might not be easy. But not knowing what is missing makes you wild. Makes you quit. Makes you withdraw. You crave to know that thing. You assume a certain thing to be that missing thing. You make a plan accordingly and you fail at it. Failure does not seem hurtful but when you get the clarification this is not that missing thing, you feel pain.

Sometimes you think you are delusional about having a thing. you sabotage a plan of exploration but you know you can’t live without it. You take all the risk you can. You keep changing yourself but the feeling of that missing thing does not go away because you are fade up of again being dishonest with yourself as you have left your previous lives.

Drawing caption: A world around dog

I was sitting in the garden and scribbled lines over lines forming shapes. Some fast strokes of lines and some slowed down strokes. Ultimately I started circling around our lost dog.

Accepting my art as it is, is kind of painful. Expressing here some bad things and being okay with it is even painful too.

As I am emphasizing over and over on self-exploration on many blogs, I want to talk more about it. Self-exploration is more about not expecting particular results too. You have to be okay with whatever comes to you. Sadly you can’t be shaped. You build on what suits you, what feels right for you, where you find your heart breathing fully and sometimes you are not ready to accept some of those uncomfortable truths come along with it. Then you wait anyways till you get ready for the acceptance because you know you can’t shape your heart and soul but build and embrace it to make it better.

Drawing Caption: Series of exploration

I wish you a piece of good luck on your journey to exploration. It is painful but indeed much needed.

Drawing Caption: Owl with bad news (September 2022)

In this drawing, I was conscious about how am I going to repeat lines but certainly in a meditative zone while repeating the lines. In this drawing, I was following a much more restrictive process. In this process initially, I can draw lines with freedom, however, the flow is and then once I am done with freehand curves, loops, lines and circles I fill the masses with hatching in different angles and adding depth to a drawing with lighter and darker hatching.

(Note: A bad news alert)

While I was drawing this owl I had a sensation of something bad and my emotions were inclining toward bad vibes. That day I lost one of my relatives.

I am not sure about intuitions or some invisible energies but there was a book that I read at that time Making Marks: Discover the Art of Intuitive Drawing -Book by Elaine Clayton and this book talks about things like that.

Drawing Caption: A Family Trip

My Confusion about wanting and suffering in my life is something related to preassumed concepts of success.

I always thought it is me versus the world. Once I eliminate the world my problem will be solved. I tried that let myself be alone and isolated from the world.

Let me tell you the current situation, I have isolated myself from the world now it’s me versus me. bwahaha!!!

Yea this is more difficult I can’t blame anyone anymore now.

Okay.

I thought I want alone time to do the best art but then I am suffering from uncertainty.

I thought I want all day to practice painting but I suffered from the tremendous amount of pressure.

Why artists are so full of risks and suffering?

Why did I think of being such a risk-taker?

Why do they glorify their life with suffering?

If I just ignore the failures and of course suffering, I think it was all worth it trying.

But now after wanting, trying and suffering I ask myself why can’t I keep it simple.

I think I should paint because I want to paint.

I should draw because I want to draw.

I should write stories because I want to write.

I should tell you about myself because I want to.

I realized these wants become so damn simple after not having the burden of expectations of outcomes or glorification. There are no failures if my success depends on me being able to get what I want.

And if my wants are simple. I’ll have my everyday victory.

After having so much thinking and restlessness I feel relieved to come to this conclusion.

Drawing Caption: Self Exploration (January 2023)

I have been working on myself for a decade. Self exploration is like I am not tagging to something or anything till I am willing to be committed to any act or profession or plan.

Since I started focusing on self exploration process, I experience many things.

Self exploration for me is like frequent uncertain events and plans. I am only sure about not being biased toward any plan. I try my best to check the plans positively and negatively.

Last year I was trying hard to fit into the frame of a successful artist. I aborted my plan of becoming a successful artist because I couldn’t see or manifest myself as a happy successful artist. I could see the future standing in the middle of my art exhibition and sensing the feeling of something is missing. I did not put any effort into selling the painting because I was following a plan. That plan was to don’t sell till I am going to find my signature style. I worked on this plan for 6 months.

Before those 6 months, I tried another plan. 500 Tiny paintings – 4inch by 4inch paintings. I completed the 500 paintings goal. I was expecting a lot out of it. In the end, my friends and family started recognizing me as an artist. Honestly, I wanted more. I thought people would start buying paintings from me like crazy. At the micro self exploration I understood even I was not ready to give away my paintings. I still feel some of my part is getting taken away from me.

Even I tried to set a style in my drawing. The style was somewhat like a mandala. It was quite meditative and peaceful but was less exciting and forceful. Now while writing one of my blogs named The gold shit! I could really bounce back to my raw and expressive drawing style. While on a plan to create my drawing style, I was bounding my drawing style to some structure. I will post those drawings in my next post. I sabotaged that plan.

While writing this Self exploration and my life as an explorer blog I think I need to learn to be okay with failures and believe in myself.

Self exploration may not be an answer to future choices. I mean what I discover about myself need not be unchangeable and I don’t have to rely on it for building my future personality. Self exploration process could help me accept my past and present which further may help me to change myself for my aspiring dreams.

but again to have a dream you need to experience self exploration process and acceptance.

Drawing Caption: In The Motherhood Drawing by Swamini Redij

When I say I draw with visual instinct that means when I sit to draw a drawing I don’t have an initial picture of the drawing. I just start with the urge to draw – actually an urge to get lost in the world of hand-drawn lines.

I start with one line and then the next. It feels like every line is trying to me something about me and its own existence. With the flow, hand-drawn abstract lines and shapes form the structure and together it prompts me back to some visuals and I take action upon it.

In this drawing from the beginning, I was prompted to motherhood visuals. As I am young, unmarried, and without a child. it felt odd and psychotic to draw something like this. But I had to stop judging my instincts and just let myself draw with true instincts. But after drawing the whole drawing I thought maybe I drew it because I was too concerned about my nephew. I see myself in him and I wanted to protect him from the consequences I have experienced.

Drawing let me point out my concerns in this situation and I could see what mattered to me in my relation with my nephew.

Drawing Caption: My rainbow my life

When I read a book called subtle art of not giving f*ck. I was blown by a counter-intuitive approach. I mean for me my approach was I kept asking whatever I thought, did, or felt was all right or perhaps valid. While reading the book I could understand that I am an entitled person and I feel I am special. Maybe mostly I comfort myself by victimizing myself. Knowing these things was kind of a big thing for me and then still loving myself was and is another big thing for me.

So instead of practicing self-love I unknowingly played the victim and kept on trusting others rather than myself in the name of “being not a nice human”. Luckily these others are not bad human beings.

But you know when you are not yourself, because you are trying to get validation from others it all comes to exhaustion.

You stop there and there due to exhaustion.

So coming to the book Subtle Art of Not Giving F*ck! I think it’s time to shower self-love and stop giving f*ck to others’ validation.

Drawing caption: Things are spread out to gather my life.

For me organizing life is the straightforward concept of organizing stuff that I own, feeling responsible and untangled about stuff, and gradually it does reflect on our mental state.

What do you expect from yourself when you are totally free from work for about a year and your plans or idea of the dream not working?

You don’t think about vacations or trips. You go hard on yourself and try to find other ways you can achieve things and what is worst is you get frustrated by the idea of a dream or your plan after scrapping the last residue of your soul. There you hit with the reality of the false dreams (something you thought you were passionate about).

False dreams are based on false concepts of life, dream, success, and happiness. These concepts you have been absorbing from your surroundings since your childhood. You have to be always alert or counter-attacking your every plan or dream while working on it. Because actions can make things clearer for a lifetime.

I am really sure you won’t expect this chaos of false dreaming. It is like you have a missing feeling and you don’t know what is missing. I did experience something like this. At that point, I started questioning how am I going to keep in touch with reality, real rules, and real concepts. I wanted to design my life on real beliefs first.

How I am organizing life for my peace of mind.

That’s when I started documenting my thoughts, the chaos in my mind. Believe me, it was lots of kinds of stuff. Like how we dump things in our closet. I was jotting down or I would say I was taking all stuff out of my head every day. Even some questions were raised Why this? how? and as I asked these questions, a book or any content or anything would pop up in front of me. I learned accordingly. That’s how some of the stuff got organized in my head and some just got away in thin air and some are still to be checked.

After writing the title “Organizing life” I thought I would start telling about how I literally organized my closet but I wondered around mind stuff. Things got shared.

On a counter note on organizing life – Maybe everything is filled with chaos you have to choose your own chaos that lets you be truly yourself. life relax and unwind.

Drawing Caption: You and Me a Dream Comes True

Self-exploration is not about starting from zero. It actually starts from your dream. While exploring yourself, your dream becomes a center point. You want to explore that too. Sometimes you will not be knowing what your dream is. You have a slight faint emotion circling around a dream word. You want that faint feeling to be more bright and clear because you can feel the peace with faint emotion, it is just a matter of making it clear to you.

The real struggle is how to make it clear.

If you ask me I want to suggest trying as many things as it takes to. Keep trying keep failing. Even failure will feel like a successful discovery. Motivate yourself to keep up with the plan. These failures might take some part of you. Great art is about reducing noise. By trying out things you get total clearance in your head. The more the clearance more clear you can see your dream. The faint emotion will start getting clear and bright.

Wait for it, be patient.

At some point, with less noise in your head, you will find your dream – your destiny. It will surprise you because it was always with you. Yes, it is with you even now. Your dream – your destiny plan – was, is, and will be always with you. You have to be patient to align with it by trying and keeping patience.

Be absolutely ready

It is just, you have to make flight arrangements for your dream and you are not stuck on a big project or not even some other commitments made half-heartedly. You are ready to fly.

Strongly believe in the emotion circling around the word dream.